Friday, March 24, 2006

From The Devil's Workshop-1 *THE "1" - THE "0"*

Two things that rule our life. They are the root of every software program that runs in this world and every semiconductor that is moving the world and simultaneously making its way to the much debated (especially in the movies) artificial intelligence.
Other than that i strongly believe that every new technology is only a new version of our real life in a technical world. It is like the Nueral Networks and genetic algorithms which are extensively used for Optimisation are a product of study of human evolution and the interaction of nuerons in our brain.
Now coming to the inter-relationships between real life systems and the technologies, 1s and 0s also have their origins in the human mind and many of our activities which take only two answers yes or no.When i say "many" , these are the "many" which we acknowledge as affirmations where only yes or no are used.But actually, every activity of ours is a result of yes or no or rather 1 or 0.

Now what is special about this 1 and 0, these are objectivity personified, i will not try to define objectivity as I might end up manipulating Ayn Rands definition. When we say 1- it does only one thing, when u say 0 it will do nothing at all. Whatever happens with these two, they have a reason which is Absolute and thus they work by it. To be simple it is like the Dialog popping up with the message that says "Do You Want To Save -Yes or No".Where "Yes" means yes and "No" means no. I know there will be people who will be saying what does the cancel button in Microsoft Word or Excel.That is where i will be getting to.

Every thing we do actually starts from 1 and 0 , which in turn generates a lot of binary operations which also works by the 1s and 0s and the end result is what we call a thought sometimes and sometimes feeling and sometimes emotion.The first one i.e thought is the one that we acknowledge is a product of the 1s and 0s, while the other two are apparently a product of the same 1s and 0s, but the difference is we do not acknowledge it and thus drive away the reason behind it and thus give birth to subjectivity.

This can be demonstrated from many examples that are related to science, we will start with the assumption anything that can be reasoned by science is a product of 1s and os.If a boy sees a good looking girl, the end result (depending upon the boy ) will be a nice feeling, what is behind this feeling is a million binary operations , of which some are, see the girl -yes or no, image loaded yes or no, image processed-yes or no, is she good -yes or no, if yes-( is she very good-yes or no(if yes generate adrenalin-yes or no)if yes(generate the thought to move towards her-yes or no)if yes (move towards her yes or no))else (is she very bad yes or no)... so on

i have used some terms like good and bad which are supposed to be subjective, but at the lowest level they are driven by a reason, they only move across levels like good, very good, excellent etc.There is a better example which i picked up from Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy- Place one hand in hot water and place other hand in cold water. After sometime place both the hands in normal water, now what we experience is what we term as a confused feeling, but which is actually a result of the previous experience of hot and cold water. It is like the result of one process is 10 and the other is 01. Any decision or emotion we face is only a result of a prior experience , so as the experiences are different for different people, we tend to call many opinions subjective but it is not so, it is an outcome of the undesignated objectivity.
And the Cancel button also means just Cancel, it has an objective,a purpose as Agent smith says in "Matrix Reloaded". We just need to recognise that purpose and reason behind whatever we do rather than disregarding it.
P.S: I have just written the most confusing and futile article, but thats what i do in the devils workshop, when i am absolutely idle. It is actually open to one's own interpretation. So nothing much to say about that.
Coming soon in Devils Workshop-Heart and the Hypocrite .
The Butterfly and the Big Bang .

Monday, March 13, 2006

My First Story

He was restless, he brushed his hand through his hair for 99th time and made sure that he was looking good. He pulled out a small paper from his pocket and read something that was written, he closed his eyes and recited it. He was sure this time. He can tell that even in the middle of night. He looked at the black board in front of him, he was sitting in the bench in which he sat four years, four years ago.

He felt as if he was taking his final exam, but he had a lot of training for this, his friends worked hard on it. Everything was planned, the venue, the dressed, the phone calls, the date and the dialogues too. He is here to deliver it. He looked at his watch it was five to five. She would come in five minutes.

She was his friend, something more than that, they were in the same class for four long and memorable years. They knew each other well, their relationship was not remarkable in the early years, until he started to take lenience and tease her now and then. Together, they shared their feelings and emotions, they had some unending conversations, but he feels now that some thing was missing in those conversations, he wants to fill it up now. He was waiting. He had a medley of dreams last night, a hug, a slap, a ridicule, a rejection, and a kiss.

Only one would come out to be true this time. He had experienced many of those from her. The one he cherishes most is that one tight slap. Once in his college days, he told her that he would accompany here to a book exhibition, but he went to a movie with his friends, the next day she was furious and she was like a beautiful beast with that frowning face and semi closed eyes. At that moment he tried to explain her, he managed to smile, she could not manage, and she just slapped him. As he was thinking the sound of slap still rings loud in his ears. She was still furious, she couldn’t tolerate that, suddenly tears flowed down her cheeks like waterfall, and she hugged him tightly and cried. It was hard for him to adjust to the high paced transition of emotion. But he cherishes it to this moment. That is why he is here, he cannot forget her.

He had his chances after discovering that he admired her, but he just missed them. Once after a lot of training and rehearsals, she couldn’t come. They left their college and the farewell day was planned as the final chance, but he couldn’t attend as he had his visa interview. After that he flew off to the US for his masters, but he believed that he would comeback and someone would be waiting for him. His belief was proved true, she was not married. He called her this morning and told her to come to the place where they came to know each other. He was waiting in the classroom. It was 4:59, as the seconds were ticking, he brushed his hair for the 122nd time and for the last moment, he closed his eyes and thought of her.

The smile, that made her look like divine goddess. Those eyes that always used to say something enigmatic. The cheeks were hard to find grip and had the real thing of beauty in them, those dimples, he used to tease her saying that he could cook food in those dimples. She was fair enough to show him way in the darkest nights. But more than anything, he loved one thing he could not see, he could only feel, he loved her conscience, her heart, her mind, her soul-- He loved her.
He heard something. He heard the ring of the anklets slowly approaching him. He looked at the door. She was there, he had not expected her to be the way she was, she was – he had no words, she was wearing a saree, red colored, a crape, it was dazzling, more than anything she was beautiful. She wore a necklace, the bangles, they were also red, the glittering silver watch, that was his gift. She knew, he loved that colour. He didn’t get a chance to observe all this, the cherubic smile and those cute, cute dimples arrested him. She was smiling at him. He was gaping at her.

“Hai, There you are!, you have changed a lot” said she.
“Ah!” he fumbled, he came back to his senses and said, “that’s nothing when compared to you”

She came nearer and took her seat in her bench, the bench next to him. He still couldn’t believe the way she looked. He was mesmerized.

“What is this you have changed the whole outfit” he said.

“Why!? Don’t I look good?”

‘Great!! This would be the dress for their marriage’, he thought and said “not bad, I think you overshadowed the beauty of the dress.”

“I know, you wouldn’t change, the same teasing, Come on, this is specially for you, you like red sarees, Don’t you?”

He was afraid that he would die out of happiness, he still couldn’t believe, this is not a dream.

He said “Thank you, Madam, Now tell me, How are you? How did you spend these four years, how many bakras did you make out of people like me, How many people went head over heals for you?”

“Will you stop” she put a break closing her ears “that should be my question, I know, you would have roamed about all the beaches in US, running after those bikinis that you dreamt of, all through our college”

“Hey, you are insulting me”

“Sorry, you have nothing special to be insulted”

“Ok, now! We are not here to fight OK”

“Aha! Then what are we here for” she asked nodding head to all sides like a cute girl.

The question was there, he had the answer, but he is to wait for at least 15 minutes after the start of discussion.
“We are here to talk all that we missed to talk for these four years. Lets keep walking around the college. I think we should leave before 6:30, they will shut the gates by then, lets move.”

“OK” she said, as she stood “as you said there were many guys after me, but I was not interested, you know that guy in our class, smart, tall and handsome, who used to come first all the time.”

His heart skipped a beat, ‘nothing like that’, he thought ‘for god’s sake!! Not before me’.

He managed to say ‘ya’.

“He proposed to me, it was really great, in a posh restaurant. He was good, in fact-- Hey! Are you listening?” she shouted, as his face was almost ashen pale.

“Ya, Ya, I am, so you did it ha! Congrats”

“What!?, what for congrats, I rejected ra , I was not interested”

“I know, I know” he smiled, blood returned to his face “ I know you love adding names to your bakra list, thank god I am not there “, he didn’t want to say that. But he did.

She gave a queer look and a sarcastic smile.

“I know you are really out of discipline these days, that’s why you are speaking like this, you are missing something.”

“Is it? What do I miss madam?, would you please give me that?” he asked, unaware of what was going to come.

“With pleasure sir” she said and she gave one tight slap. “ Ha, ha, you got it, you asked for it “, she was laughing in his face.

He was having some big surprises, his hand to his cheek with his mouth open “You!!” he shouted, she started to run, and he was after her.

She was still laughing and running, it was difficult for her to run with that saree, she turns back at every few steps and laughs at him, the sun was setting, he couldn’t run, the beauty hypnotized him, it overtook him, the smiles struck him like cupids arrows. He stood there watching his all-time sweet girl smiling at him, she too stopped. She came back and held his shoulders and shook him and asked, “ what happened, you don’t need so much of discipline, OK!”

He smiled and thought ‘God Help me’ “I will take revenge and I know when I should do that. Anyway, thanks for that sweet slap” he said rubbing his cheek.

“Ok then, how is your job? You know that I am also working here, but it is pretty boring ra. It is not as good as our college days. You know….”

They went on like that for an hour and they recalled many moments of their time, laughed, teased and ran after each other, he told about his job and the bikinis and the beaches. He forgot the 15 minutes constraint, it was 6:20, and it was getting darker. They talked as if they had no idea of parting today, they stopped under a light, and he looked at her. He never saw her in a saree before this. His friends said that she was beautiful. She wore it for their farewell, he was not there that night. But he didn’t miss the train this time. He forgot everything, he forgot the paper in his pocket, his training, his rehearsals, he has no mood in telling her now, she was the same he saw her for four years ago, the same friend, he thought ‘she wouldn’t accept the change’.

“So, I think we should leave now, I might be flying away next week, I never knew , time would move at such a pace, hope we had some more time” he said , his face was almost dull, he had no more chances, its now or never , he decided never would be better.

“Ya that’s right “ she said “it was like hell when you were away, time used to go so slow and now! – Funny! Isn’t it? So when are we going to meet again?” even her face was gloomy like the moon behind the clouds.

“I don’t know” he said, he felt ashamed of himself for his fear, he cursed himself, ‘say it, say it, say it and run from here’ he thought- he couldn’t “ I will be out of station for the next week, I do not know when I would come back, I would meet you then, if you are free”. He was afraid of losing her, he was shivering within himself, he was crying within. He took her hand and left it” I will miss you a lot”. He headed towards the exit.

He was stopped, she held his hand.

“I too will miss you a lot, but I do not want to miss you. I was waiting for you for four long years, in fact for longest years in my life, now I do not want this to end just like that, I had dreams, I had sleepless nights, I had thoughts, I had tears, smiles everything for you, I longed to see you, you know this dress, today its for you, if I am like this here, its for you, I was going mad taking proposals and rejecting them, I believed in you, you would come back for me, I cannot wait any more” her head was down as she said this, her voice was shaking, she was crying “please do not say no”, she lifted her head , tears were rolling down like golden pearls as the eyes opened like oysters, he couldn’t see into those eyes, he got his biggest shock of the day.

He couldn’t believe his eyes, he is seeing the girl of his dreams standing in front of him and saying what he wanted to. The love of his life is here.

She fell over him and hugged him tightly. There were emotions everywhere, words had no place to get through them. He loved the moment, words turned into tears, his eyes were filled with them to the brim, he closed his eyes as he closed his arms around her, giving her the warmth of love that they both were longing for.
At last, he spoke “ I am sorry, I was late, I would never ever leave you, even if you give me those tight slaps for hundred more times”

They both smiled resting their heads on each other’s shoulder with emotions overflowing. Thus their conversation ended, which was still devoid of something, they forgot to say,

I Love You.


P.S. It took almost three hours to write this, it was almost 1:30 when I completed this. I do not think, I ended it as well as I started it due to fatigue. But I hope my first attempt in writing a dialogue is good. It is my friends and my dream to convert this into a short film, which was almost fulfilled in college if we had found the girl to act.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

To Sir Isaac Newton...

I was still in my sleep. I have already caused the chaos i could by pulling my sisters blanket and pushing her down the bad and stretching myself from one corner to the other. It was a routine for me. I do this every day. There were days when my sister used to sleep on floor to avoid my invasion. It was fun. It was one of the moments that still keeps me as a kid even after the girl I am at the age of 22.
I do not know why ,but this word "routine" keeps coming into my mind every now and then. I never used it in my college life, though literally speaking, it was a routine too. Going to the college at 11 o clock(supposed to start at 10),bunking half the classes, being in the canteen, roaming and chatting with friends and being with 'him’. It was everyday schedule, but everything was so new everyday. I thought over it for a long time, why I didn’t use the word routine, there was one reason i could drill down to, it was ,whatever happened , "I did something”. Nowadays whatever happened "Something was done by me" or "Something was done upon me".
I know those lines bring back those haunting memories of English grammar classes on active and Passive voice. The voices speak for themselves "Active" and "Passive". I woke up and sat in front of the mirror, I was rubbing my eyes and my image started to get clear, the clearer it was, the hazier was my mind. For a moment I started to get scared, there was something wrong with me, that makes me detest myself. I tried to open my eyes wide and look into them and find out what were they seeing. I saw it and I closed my eyes.
I am getting married next week. I know it is a big event for the whole world ,it is the biggest event for my parents and logically speaking(logic as in society's sense) it should THE event for me. But for me, it is just the routine because I am not marrying, I am getting married. Some times all those images just run in front of minds eye, how easy it was just to sit their crying in the sofa while my father had a stubborn "NO" for anything i said about 'him', My mother was also there crying, I did not know for whom she was crying. For sometime my sister could not choose what to do, after sometime time she had nothing to choose but cry.
"Crying is the best form of escapism", i read this somewhere, I did not know what was escapism at that time. Now it seems i am escapism personified. Today i realize that i was not doing anything even then i was just crying 'Passively’. I did not raise my voice against the obsolete caste system and the reasons that my father gave which themselves killed rationality and the emotional blackmail that had no bounds. The only result of all this absurdity is the routine of everyday. I know, I know, though i could not take the guts to write it, I am the culprit and 'he' is the victim and the society was just a spectator with its irrational reasons acting as a catalyst.
I had to open my eyes because i had to. I saw me again, I was not looking beautiful. "Beautiful"- 'He' once asked me in the morning "Does the sun rise with you or Do you rise with the Sun". His thought leaves me vacuous; there is one thing that I could remember in that lifeless vacuum. A quote that many people like me live by just to bring up that artificial smile "Life Goes on".
I stood up and walked to the door when one of my niece came running into me and dropped her book on the floor, I smiled at her and picked up the book. Returning the book, my eyes caught the snap shot of these two lines

Newton’s First Law:
Every object continues to be in a state of rest or uniform motion unless an external force is applied to it.
It is so true, I do not know what was that external force, but it was me who was in a state of rest or uniform motion without applying any force on my life when i could. The simplicity of the law took the strength out of my legs. I could hardly stand. I do not know what was it that moved me from rest; i just walked up to the wardrobe. I opened it and reached out for a photo and somehow i dared to look at it.
Right behind my view of the photo was a certificate laminated and hanged to wall, which read "Awarded First Prize for Excellent Academic Performance in Science."
There was a sudden roar of whispers in my house. My would-be has come.
P.S: Inspired from the innumerable love stories that I listened to and that had ended in this way and the book "Alchemist" which speaks of the Universal language and Soul of the world that i strongly believe in.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Sometimes there are moments, that take a lifetime to recall, because,You never forget them

Sometimes there are moments, that take a lifetime to recall, because,You never forget them ************************************************************************
I was there in a saree,I can not say to myself that I was beautiful, though I was feeling to myself that I was so stunningly beautiful that I could lock everyones eyes on me. And god weren’t the girls jealous,I felt I was cursed for every glance of a boy that turned to me that eventually changed to a stare, well! to be modest, I accepted the compliments with a smile.

But there was someone in the corner of the long hall, sitting with his legs crossed and his back straight and for a change,was not looking at me or should I say was trying not to look at me or was dying to look at me but wasn’t. He was looking at the glass in his hand and occasionally looked up and smiled at his friends who were my victims. Well I knew what the smile meant, it meant “she is mine”.

Deep in my heart I loved the feeling of his ignoring me,as I felt in that one way he could be different from the lot and I said to myself “he is mine”.

I always thought ,boys wooed for girls and it followed the process of proposal and acceptance. But it was not the case between us, there was a harmony between us that led us both together to the inevitable romantic insanity—love. Sometimes I feel ,we acknowledged that insanity when we ignored each other consciously.

Well, that’s a long and memorable story..from we both meeting each other for the first time, ignoring each other and then giving up as we succumbed to the insanity, me sneaking out to meet him, long drives when the sun shone like a fire ball right on our head ,but could come between each other, the long talks on phone when we killed the last obstacle between us-time, the birthday gifts that were the tokens of our insanity, the days we fought to my tears and the hours that were years when we didn’t talk to each other…and to the moment.

He stood up and started walking towards me. I thought he would fool me by turning away, but he could understand that I couldn’t take it any more.

“Hi”, he said looking at me, straight into my eyes.

“Hi”, I replied, with all the elegance I could, though I was burning inside as I thought there could be better things to say than the inappreciable and clich├ęd “Hi”.

“you seem to be late”

“yes, took a bit more time than expected to get ready”, I knew I would do this, I blurted ,I wanted to get noticed by the last person in the room who was not noticing me. Even as a consolation to my irresistibility to get noticed, he didn’t give up easily. I said to myself “let the joy in the wait last for some more time”

He was about to say something and most uncalled for announcement popped up
“Dear seniors, Please be seated”

I stood there with the desperate expression that asked him what were you saying.

Somehow he read me, well that was the beauty of our relationship, he said “I will get myself a drink,you go and sit”

I thought this was a limit for things, I couldn’t wait any more, I turned around to see my victims who were no longer so, they were rushing to find a seat, though some gave an occasional look at me, but that didn’t make any difference to me, the person who could was still not considering me.

I walked down the row of chairs with dropped shoulders and I had no knowledge that I walked up to the dais, may be a subconscious effort to get noticed. I had to take a seat in the first row to avoid walking back. The microphone started to speak something or someone started to speak in the microphone, I didn’t care.

I was sitting there with my head down, where my mind was strained between the fight between my conscience and sub conscience where the former said “don’t care about him” and the latter screamed “how much more time”.

Well … to sum it up, couldn’t help being a girl.

Someone sat beside me, I didn’t turn my head. He offered a drink, for a moment I thought I will throw it onto the floor, but from a corner of my eye, I could make out it was he. With all smiles, I took the glass.

He smiled back. Things were changing for the better, I thought. It was like a circus on stage, people were playing some game…truth or dare, where people need to either say a truth of their lifetime, this is where the dumbest of the lot got their chance to speak up and say “I have a crush on her” or one can choose dare where u are supposed to perform a daring act.

I was supposed to dance with someone other than him, I looked at him, he didn’t make a move, neither in his eyes, nor in his smile. I thought it was my time for revenge, I did my best, but it was as if I was supposed to lose for the day. He didn’t mind my best performance with someone who wasn’t him or should I say he didn’t care.

It was his turn, he was given a dare, he was asked to kiss any girl he wished to.
For a moment, the hall was abuzz with everyone whispering as loud as it couldn’t be called a whisper, I didn’t turn my head, but I could sense some girls blushing already, god, I am jealous now. He was still sitting there beside me. At last, he started to move, he was as firm as he was, there were some innumerable thoughts in my mind at that moment ,that I couldn’t even pen down, I would have gone mad if the moment had lasted more than the second it lasted.

He stood up, faced me, took my hand in his hand, bowed down with his face to my ear and whispered

“You look like a princess, why do you want me to say that, idiot ,anyway I lose”

He looked into my eyes with a smile, and

He kissed me.

Sometimes there are moments that take a lifetime to recall, because….
…You never forget them. This was the moment. For a moment he made me a lady and he was the man for me. For a moment the insanity was given a form. For a moment we owned each other so much that we had to lose ourselves. For a moment we had the whole world with us and his had only me and my world has only him. For a moment, He numbed my senses one after the other. I couldn’t hear any thing, all the loud whispers sank into oblivion, my eyes, I think they had tears, my mind had no space to think about them and I could feel nothing but him. For a moment I lost to him, making me realize that that the last word he spoke wasn’t true, or it could never be or I thought it should never be. The moment was larger then life.

He sat beside me smiling.

For sometime, the microphone didn’t speak or nobody spoke in the microphone, I didn’t care.

(P.S: Written on Feb 14th 2006. The story took 2 hrs (9 pm to 11 pm) to finish. As usual I am not satisfied with my work at the climax, but it was a pleasure being the boy I am, experimenting to write a girls mind. And thanks to some girls whose honesty in their emotions helped me in writing this.
Kartheek.K )