Monday, December 25, 2006

IPod Vs Radio (the softer side of Me vs Myself)

My previous post 'Me vs Myself' , seems to have scared many of the few people who read it. Some felt it was gruesome, too gory, some felt that the idea was excellent and some said its nonsense. This post is like the "behind the post" part.
I believe , one of the easiest way of classifying our school of thought or i should say our orientation towards life is by dividing it into two ways, by choice and by chance.This thought took form while i was travelling from hyderabad to guntur and was listening to songs in my Ipod. I have two or three favourite playlists which i listen to, for most of the time.I somehow felt bored of hearing the same thing, so i thought to put a shuffle on all the songs on Ipod(that was about 1500+) and listen to any song in random. I was already feeling asleep, so i thought i would as well fall asleep in half an hour or so. I was expecting a very bad string of songs. To my own surprise, i kept listening to those songs for almost 2 hrs. Whats the point?
IPod here stands for choice, we choose what we want to hear, though i left it to choice by putting it on shuffle. This is what typically happens on a radio, you do not have a choice, you listen to what ever the radio station plays. Using these two and my little experience, i would like to go forward on the topic.
what happened to me that night...
I was bored with my choices--Many times in life, we are so excited with new things, first day in college, seeing a movie on the first day etc. But slowly we get bored of them. And sometimes it so happens that , our choices lead to failures leaving uf feeling that we are ineligible to make a choice. So we give way for chance.
I came across new things-- While listening to songs in random, i came across a lot of new songs which also seemed very good. These are like opportunities that we rule out without any information about them. We typecast ourselves to a certain category and we go blind to anything other than those. Chance gives us a chance to explore such new avenues.
I was compromising-- While listening, there were bad songs too, i mean songs which you would hear for the first 10 secs and say "forward". But sometimes, you comnpromise with that, you look at the good part of it (when you dont want to go back to Choice mode). You will try to listen to one instrument in the song that is being played well etc.
A more clear analogy to this is the funda of marriage : You meet a person , get to know each other for a few days under the condition that you are going to get married(you dont have much choice). So we obviously tend to like the other person. We get married and now its like a one way, so we compromise and fall in love again. So we would be happy for life. There is a funny question here (from a movie Missamma), the whole process that happens here is not dependent on either of the persons involved, i mean it is like X1 marries Y1, the process works fine even if its X1 marries Y2 or X2 marries Y1.There is nothing like the "Someone somewhere is made for you" or " Neo is the one" type funda.
This shows that everything in life runs on a track with two rails, one is choice , one is chance and may be, what connects these two is compromise.
PS: I would like to be clear that , i am not for or against any of the schools of thought or the marraige system.I only wanted to tell that these schools of thought are embedded in our lifes right from our birth and they keep fighting and compromising through out the life.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Running for...

I dreamt that I would only be running in dreams at this time of the night. To shatter my dreams, I am running in reality. There was darkness all around me. There were only two or three souls on the road that managed to open their eyes and notice me. However they didn’t find me worth caring for. In fact I didn’t care for their care. Any person on the verge of losing everything he has, or had, would feel the same way. Oh! God What if-.

I didn’t dare to think. But I couldn’t help. My destination seemed miles ahead, it was something that I would never like to reach. But tonight , I have no option. Even if I scream and shout at my legs or even tie them up, they wouldn’t stop. They were running as fast as my heart was pumping blood into them. Heart, bloody thing, one thing that could never mind its own business. I could never even figure out what its business was. It hadn’t been a week , since I was supposed to forget everything. I know , I am not making sense, how could I , I almost drowned myself in alcohol, the other day.

I was seeing, what ‘night is young’ meant. I hoped for the night to die young and bring light. Bloody Hell, how could it happen now, is it to prove something? I mean, something like , I can never forget her, whatever happens. I mean, I know, I didn’t dream of her when I was in mother’s womb. Then why the hell am I running like this. I didn’t know that someone like her existed when I started to exist. It’s just been 2 years since I met her, I mean two years in the whole 25 years of my life. And now-

I never ran like this in the darkest of the darkest nights for anyone in my life. Now, I cannot even dare to confess to myself that I am bloody crying. Why am I doing this? What does she mean to me? She’s almost a part of me. Not a single vehicle could be found on the road. My shorts just don’t seem to stick to my waist. How far is it? God- I don’t want to go there. I just couldn’t stop.

I spent 6000 bucks yesterday to forget her. That seems enough to forget her for just yesterday. She used to say “You forget everything so easily, you don’t remember my birthday, you don’t remember what I like, and you don’t remember when we first met”. Bloody, I remember, we met 2 years ago on this day. And now, I would never ever forget it.

I wonder who is to blame for all this. May be its just fate. But how do I deal with it. The perpetual presence of her absence would just kill me. We were so together, I remember the last time I kissed her, before things just started tumble. Things change, and they change so drastically that you could do nothing but stare at them as helpless chap. Or at the best , you can run, but you cannot change them to normal. I wiped off sweat and tears from my face.

I was there. Bloody, I don’t like this place; this makes you hear the inevitable. It doesn’t give you a choice to do something, even if it gives you, its like choosing between bad, worse, worst. I hoped that I would drop dead right at its steps. Last time we saw each other , She said “ this is reality, we need to get used to it”. I didn’t accept it, I argued “Reality is not what happens, reality is what we do”. “ I am sorry, I love you”. She kissed me on my eyes, the way she used to do it always and left. That’s how I saw her last time, that’s how, I see her every time.

My legs ran to the reception and then climbed up. I don’t like long corridors. They are like obvious destinations. You see everything, yet you won’t stop. You almost become a masochist in that little walk, enjoy every painful moment as you get used it. But you cant turn back. You see people looking into your eyes, eyes so blank that you cannot find your own images in that. God , I wanted to scream “ Someday Talk”. I know they couldn’t, they are as dead as I am. I dragged my legs to the obvious end of the corridor.

At two o clock in the night, my cell had 99 missed calls and a message “You Drunk Bastard, wake up, she met with an accident”.

PS: I don’t know why I wrote this, just because I got an idea or had a clear vision of it. I empathize with my characters more than the people around me. So its been really difficult to write this. Just trying to be Shakespeare with Tragic stories.